Saturday, June 27, 2009

My day in OKC, etc.

Well my family and I had a good old time in Oklahoma City, I was awoken at the ungodly hour of 8:30 a.m. and amidst my groggy curses and stumbling I guess I eventually fell into the car and woke up in the city. The only way to travel.

We went to the mall and what not, I kept looking into all the mirrors because I enjoyed how ferocious I looked with my bloodshot eyes and my hair going random directions. Beast.

My mom tried to buy a phone case for her new cell phone which my dad purchased for all of one penny. The man running the cart in the OKC mall took the phone, looked at his cart, looked down, and then handed it back to us with a simple "No."

One word can say so much. In this case it said: "I know you picked that phone because it said FREE on the banner, but if you think I carry a case for that prehistoric garbage then you're out of your mind woman." We continued shopping.... defeated.

The exciting part was that we got to go to the Cheesecake Factory, it was my first time!!

I walked up to the desk and demanded a table for four, to which the man replied in a thick Indian accent, "Unfortunately sir, the front desk is over there." He looked so sympathetic, it almost made me cry. It was as if he was thinking, "that poor crazy man... that poor crazy crazy man." It's even funnier in an accent.

So we sat there and ate for what seemed like three hours, ran up a huge tab, then up and left. From there, we went to Poochez Palooza, a quasi-dogshow hosted by the Museum of the Great Plains and it's director, my uncle. It was amazing.

My Lito and Lita showed up from behind the funnel cake cart and joined us at a table as we prepared to watch the dogs. There was a prize for each category, and the announcer called for anyone whose dog can perform a trick to line up by the stage. Two people lined up. The first trick: the dog jumped up and begged for a snack. My dog has been doing that for years, and we don't call it a trick. Matter of fact, my dog will dance like a gypsy in a traveling show for scraps, and we don't call it talent.

More people lined up. Amazingly, the dancing dog turned out to be the best act. Wtf.
There was a dog who, I suppose because of stage fright, refused to shake her owner's hand. The owner eventually grabbed the dog's paw and shook it vigorously, the judges gave it a 6. One man taught his dog how to pray, but I suppose due to the ethical controversy of Christianizing a canine, the judges gave it a 7.

During one act, the man went on a twenty minute speech about how his dog had been saved from Hurricane Katrina. I had a case of the Church giggles because during the sad and harrowing tale Lita was nodding blissfully with her mouth agape, not hearing a word of what was being said.

Next, the announcers said that they would give a Tan & Spa gift card to the next person who comes up and tells them what the first animal was to be intentionally put into space. No one came forward. Minutes went by in awkward silence until eventually a small girl walked up to the stage, they handed her the microphone, "A jellyfish." she said with conviction. The announcer rolled his eyes and handed the little girl her gift certificates for free cancer.

All in all, it was a great day.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Politicians, their extra-marital affairs, and where I see opportunity

As some of you may have heard, Sen. John Ensign (R) just admitted to having an affair with one of his former campaign staffers.
Of course, some of you may not have heard simply because you don't know or care about politicians.
Then again, some of you may not even know what extra-marital means. It's okay. I've been there.

The point is, while some may shake their heads in shame because yet another politician has proven himself to be a hypocrit; and not to mention has shot a chance at being a presidential candidate in 2012, I am looking on the bright side. There's still room for progressives like myself to break new ground--by becoming the first male to participate in an affair with a FEMALE politician!
Yeah, you could call me a dreamer... but one day it WILL be commonplace!!

All I need now is to meet a female politician (Condoleezza Rice, I'm talking to YOU!), seduce her, and then BOOM! I'm on the news, getting interviewed on Oprah, and signing a record deal. And I can't even sing. There will be crude jokes about me on every late night talk show imaginable, and Larry King will have to learn my name. Famous.

Naturally after that I'd get a book deal, a tell-all if you will about my experiences with the politician and how my life has been changed forever, and a picture of me on the cover looking into the horizon.

Then I'd hire a limo to take me to my high school reunion, sure some people would be whispering about me, talking about how someone could be so shameless and such a man-whore. A piece of cake would probably end up being thrown at my face, and it would probably make Channel 7 news in a time slot somewhere between excitement over a possible 'gustnado' and an interview with a ranger who saved a goose that got caught in the engine of a truck. I don't care. At the end of the day, I'm the one riding the limo. Biznatch.

Maybe my ambitions are high, maybe my dreams are too great to become reality... but if you aim for the moon, you'll land amongst the stars. Keep dreaming my friends!

Monday, June 15, 2009

The Queen of England is stuck up and pasty.

I had a really good day today! I had to wake up at the ungodly hour of 9:30 (I usually kind of roll out of bed at 11:00... ahhh summer) to go to Wichita Falls, TX. We decided to take Lito and Lita along with us because they love Luby's and walking around the mall like they're homeless.

We ate with the usual crowd of senior citizens who also enjoy Luby's cafeteria food and then headed out to the mall. I heard a Scottish accent on the radio and asked innocently, "What would it be like if we were Scottish?" Weird question I know, but given the individuals that have surrounded me I think it's excusable. Lita woke up from her deep slumber, "You don't want to be like those white people and Queen Elizabeth, she's pasty stuck up and English." I wish I could type in all the vaguely foreign accents and phlegm that Lita installs in each word. "She don't care about nobody and she's pasty and she's been alive forever and she's from England." Of course with the "been alive forever" thing it's kind of like... pot, kettle, black... but whatever: "And you can tell that if you talked to her should we be all [Mexican gibberish Mexican gibberish Mexican gibberish] and I would have to be all [More Mexican gibberish, but more stern and angry] and I wouldn't be afraid to fight her. Really honest."

Lita likes ending everything she says with "Really honest" because it gives a hint of validity to her verbal shock and awe.

So then we went to the mall, half heartedly attempted to find Padre a Father's Day gift and kind of gave up after debating over a Quesadilla grill. Bought our own stuff. Left. Then I came home, swam, hung out, played video games, ate more stuff. I haven't been this inactive in forever... it's