Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Disorder

It is difficult to say why it happens, difficult to say exactly how it feels, and difficult to share with others.

I want to tell the whole world what's wrong, and all at once keep it to myself forever without telling a soul.

I want to scream a million different things. Things about the torturous mind, about the hopelessness, about why the caged bird sings.

It watches like a falcon, silently waiting and watching, and then quietly pounces on every hope and joy until none remain.

It stalks the jungles of my thoughts like a jaguar, full of hunger and silent malice.

It strikes like a cobra. One brief violent flurry of fangs and venom, and then suddenly nothing.

Nothing, like it had never occurred, the mind can't seem to ever recall how it could have felt the way it did five minutes ago.

It leaves no scars, no clear marks, no blood, no bruises... it leaves not a trace of its lethal injection, barely a memory even remains.

But it happens, and it happens frequently. My hands begin to shake, my vision begins to blur, my breathing becomes strained, and every friend in the world melts into the earth and does not exist.

There is only me and the python, only me and this disorder, and it is a battle I fight very much alone.

5 comments:

The Vegetable Assassin said...

It sounds like an attack of anxiety to me, senor. I hope you're feeling ok! Don't be letting those who surround you get you down, now. You're just starting out, you have lots of time to prove your complete awesomeness! Stay strong.

YayaOrchid said...

I agree with Vegetable Assassin. Just think 'this too will pass'. Don't pressure yourself too much. Take it one day at a time.

And one other thing, BELIEVE ME when I tell you that countless others in your school are going through the same thing. They just don't share it. I know because my little one had some issues when he started college. But as smart as you are, you'll do fine!

rebecca said...

Transfer that "disorder" into more pieces of creative genius like this one that you just wrote. Every great mind suffers Juan Pablo. It is the bane of its existence.

Find what centers you. If writing does that, once you're in the zone, this disorder will be hard pressed to find you. And, when you're not writing and it creeps up on you at a most inopportune time, then breathe. Simply close your eyes and breathe and concentrate on a word and say it over and over like a mantra.

Buena suerte amor,
((abrazos))

Mr. Charleston said...

Sounds like more than anxiety to me JP. Better see a doc. But if it is anxiety or depression, you can deal with it. We all do to some degree or another.
Vaya con Dios my friend.

Cyndi said...

Hang In there JP. We are all thinking of you. Remember your blog from Aug. 10/09. Come through this fire and come out stronger than before.